Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You Might Also Like
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.