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If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!