I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me