What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.