facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease