Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.