There is no “we” in pizza
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
This line from Airplane.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
That’s amazing.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.