Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ