A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sing it!
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place