My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.