3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.