I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I know karate and tons of other words.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.