At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I feel it
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.