Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know