My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.