Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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when you are just born a rebel
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
ready to be harvested
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.