Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You Might Also Like
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Come back with a warrant
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.