If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
💁🏻♂️
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.