I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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I’M CRYINGGG
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Spa day..😅
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it