me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me after drinking all the wine:
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me trying to reach for my goals
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate