I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*lint rolls you awake*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.