her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂