king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.