I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Seals are just dog mermaids.