The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣