Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis