Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.