My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations