I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy