Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
so i’m at the stock market right
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut