[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
hi why am I like this
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her