“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*