Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You Might Also Like
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”