flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Oh hi lol
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.