Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry