DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
There’s only one good girl here!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Everyone in the gym on January 1st