*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of