In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
real
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.