Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
no one likes gloating
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for