A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.