Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*