Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!