It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)