Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
kitchen magnet
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
This trial is so absurd 😭
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison