Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
You Might Also Like
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers