wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Monday