“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
emergency phone
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church