You Might Also Like
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ouch
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?