i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety