i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u